glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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