it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
