if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
4 words: hood of his car
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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