you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
