she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
