You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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