I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
