Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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