Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
