better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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