i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
