I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
