we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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