You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
