I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Randomize
