Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just blew my weed a kiss
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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