so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
