she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
