I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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