i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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