So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
