I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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