i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
