come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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