I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
