adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
