Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
