i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
