Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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