Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
