Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
