you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
