Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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