I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
