id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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