When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
