brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
