I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
