How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I've blown a few things in my day
No stitches, just platelets and will power
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
