I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
