no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I am available for nakedness
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
