I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
