The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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