Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
