Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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