my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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