Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
