What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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