If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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