im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
my poor anus
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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