I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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